...Even before the beginning

i thought it would be helpful for you to know a little about us.  First about S.  She is my wife, Mistress, best friend, lover, and someone who knows all there is to know about me.  She is intuitive to the extreme.  i would describe Her to some prospective bull as in Her early 40's, tall, blonde, blue eyes, very good looking, very nice body, loves sex, is very vocal, passionate, and loves to explore.  She shines as a parent and mother.  Including my own, i can imagine no better mother for our children, they are truly blessed to have Her for a mom - and they know it.  Unconditional love oozes from Her and i credit S's love and acceptance as one of the reasons we have such well adjusted loving mature children.  They are our teachers.  Any parenting skills i have that are worth anything either came from S or Mister Rogers.

(As an aside, If you don't know about Mister Rogers and you are a parent, run don't walk to the nearest site and purchase his videos for your young children - if not for them, then for you.  You will love his aura and abilities.  And, you will save money on your children's therapy bills later!)

Before 4 weeks ago, i would describe S as fairly submissive in our sexual interplay but there was a dominant streak that i could sense always wanted to be released.  Maybe sensed is too strong, perhaps suspected.  And, of course, i hoped!!  Now, She is the ideal lover - one who cares about your feelings yet assertive and makes sure Her needs are being met.  You will learn much more about the dominant S that has emerged in the last month.

There were times during our marriage i would bring toys to the bedroom, i would tie Her up.  About a year ago, i bought Her a dildo and we always called it Her lover or Her boyfriend.  We even gave Her dildo a name, Andre.

That part of our love making ebbed and flowed but never really took root.  i am sure i was hoping in some way Her dominance would erupt by the use of the dildo, but it never did.

Our sex life during the last 10 years i would say was fairly normal from what i hear, which is to say not enough for me and not enough for Her; not enough sex for me, and not enough orgasms for Her.

Along with all this you must understand, we have 4 kids.  We were very busy being parents and doing all the things parents do.  This was our excuse for not having sex - not enough time.  You know, if only we had more time...if only i didn't have to work so much...if only, if only.  Truth is, i had grown to feel inadequate and S had grown to believe this was just the way it was. 

In every other aspect of our married life, we were humming like a sewing machine.  We communicated at a level few couples dare tread.  We recognized our spiritual union with the infinite and with one another and searched for new ways to solidify that existential bond into our human reality.  We were very good about expressing our feelings, begging for forgiveness, and also being very forgiving.  We held hands whenever we went on walks or in the grocery store, we loved spending time with one another, and were pretty intimate with one another.  In short, we were best friends and intimates - but both knew if only subconsciously we were not best lovers. 

To our friends, we had the best of marriages.  i knew it could be better.  Because, i knew i could be better.  i knew what was missing was the sexual element.  i knew while S may have seem satisfied with our sex life, She should be experiencing so much more than i could give Her at that time.  i knew She deserved more.  And, i knew i didn't have the tools with which to fulfill Her sexually.  Sadly, i probably always felt this way during our marriage.  It was only recently, that i gained the courage to bring this to S and really hope She responded in a positive way.  i will get into this most recent episode in later posts, but for now would like to continue laying the foundation from where we were coming.

About me?  i am in my late 40's, dark blonde hair, blue eyes, good looking, fun, funny, caring, high sexual energy, very open to exploring as well, loves vanilla sex and is thrilled by kinky dirty sex.  i am an ex-collegiate athlete who tries to stay active and is generally in a struggle with my body, until lately.  i feel kind of strange describing myself to you so perhaps S can be a guest writer here in the future and She could describe me.

i am very glad this post is over.  Hopefully, you have some sense of us as people, as normal people, as people just like you perhaps in some ways.  One month ago, our marriage took a huge turn on the road less traveled.  It was a road that scared the shit out me because i knew once on it, i would have to and want to share all the remaining secrets in my life with S.  while i say it scared the shit out of me, and it did, i also knew we had 20 years of history together and that She was the most accepting person i have ever known.  i have shared so much with Her in the past over tears and laughter and i risked exposing my raw flesh to Her hoping She wouldn't drive a stake through my heart and figurative kill me.  In the early years of our courtship and marriage, we had risked and we spent may painful and joyous moments that put us on the track to this moment.  i suspected, i prayed, i hoped She would respond favorably.